What were you in high school?
The jock? The geek? The slut that banged the football coach? The slut that brought her "birthing video" to class for everyone to see her giant, hairy, wet vagina excreting another human being? The slut that got breast implants to secure a job at Hooters and told all of the boys to feel how natural they are? Perhaps you were all of those sluts? If you are the girl that I am thinking of, you most definitely were.
I was the captain of the cheerleading squad. The leader of the bible club. The person that prayed for your slutty soul while watching your birthing video. I was, needless to say, not the person that I am today. Still, I can't help but wonder if I fit into any real group of friends back then.
A realization of myself has started peeking through. I don't fit in now. That's right, in this cyberworld where I cyberlive with all of my cyberfriends, I don't BEGIN to fit in. In fact, I think that people are disgusted and offended by cyberme. For example, I've participated in some of these MR. LINKY POSTS THAT RHYME WITH DAYS OF THE WEEK GAMES so that I can gain a few followers. Bad idea. For lack of ability to rip blogs and cyberhumans apart, I will have to remain discrete. BUT FOR EXAMPLE: I am a photographer. Whether you enjoy my photography or not is your choice-- to each it's own, right? Why not participate in some Mr. Linky Photo Fun? BECAUSE I DON'T FIT IN, THAT'S WHY. When everyone else is posting about Jesus, flowers, gingham and making puns with their adopted child's native foods (and NOT trying to be funny), a post labeled I USED TO GET DRUNK AND PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS. NOW I JUST GET DRUNK. does not fit in. And even the host of the Mr. Linky Photo Fun game does not comment on my post. Because I and anyone that enjoys my blog are GOING TO CYBERHELL (which would be what? myspace?). That's right, especially YOU, cyberslut.
I joined the Dooce Community. Apparently a lot of people think Yuengling is the most delicious beer on the planet. A lot of people also like to pour milk over a bowl of poop and call it breakfast-- I'm just assuming-- this wasn't an actual topic of discussion. So, yeah, I told them that Yuengling sucks. I mean, if I were on a deserted island with the choice between a Budweiser and Yuengling, I'd go Yuengling every time. Between milk covered poop and Yuengling? I'm probably going for the breakfast treat. BUT I WAS WRONG. Because fucking everybody on the forum just LOVES Yuengling and if you go to P.A. you JUST HAVE TO TRY IT and WHO AM I TO CALL SOMEONE(everyone)'S FAVORITE BEER CRAP? I am a beer snob. A connoisseur of sorts. And if I was a cheese-snob in a cheese-forum where everyone was masturbating to cans of Cheez-Whiz, I would be a complete asshole. That DOES NOT FIT IN.
Even my husband has taken to calling me a cyberbully. Which makes me feel crazy. Not the idea of bullying, but the word CYBERBULLY. It's like when people try to buy drugs and they're all HEY DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF THAT YUENGLING THAT I GOT FROM YOU LAST WEEK? YEH, I JUST NEED A QUARTER OF A BOTTLE OF YUENGLING. THAT'S RIGHT. Except if they were buying a drug of Yuengling quality, it would sell by-the-dimebag-bottle. Which is altogether a confusing comparison, because it's not about the quality or even about drugs BUT THAT PEOPLE TALKING IN STUPID CODES MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY LIKE THE WORD "CYBERBULLY" ALSO MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY. Wow. I'm apparently cyberbullying the SITS-woman that didn't comment on my post when she was supposed to. Who probably actually read the post, but was too appalled by how much I hate my dog to comment.
Even The Bloggess doesn't love me anymore. I know she is famous and busy with all of the other people that she loves and was probably just being nice to me because I was stalking her but I thought that she would enjoy my JUST DANCE VIDEO (which I LOST the competition, by the way, because I am poor and don't have a Wii and DON'T FIT IN) so I tweeted her the link. Still no response. Maybe she took offense to me also tweeting about a fat kid that I saw on the Tyra Show. I want to tell her that I was making fun of Tyra and not the fat kid, but it's probably too late for that. I mean, her kid's not fat or anything. Her kid is brilliant. Her kid is someone that I honestly think would understand me. Then I would FIT IN. With a five year old that imagines sixty-four chipmunks crawling into her shirt sleeve. Yep, that sounds about perfect.
17 comments:
I wasn't any of those things in high school. I didn't fit in with everyone then. And thank god I don't fit in with them now either!
I went to one of my high school reunions and there was not enough alcohol in the world that will ever make me go back!
Write what you want. Post what you want. And don't let anyone tell you not to do it!
Well, I love you. Soooo there's that. I'm sure you're giddy at that revelation.
I wasn't any of those things in high school. In fact, I was the sex ed lady's daughter. The girl who got called out of math class to put on the Empathy Belly because no one brought in their permission slips to wear it. YEAH.
I love it that you are a beer snob. You're also a music snob. But those are two good kinds of snobby to be.
okay hayley, let's call it what it is. i am a SNOB. altogether. what more could the captain of the cheerleading squad/ bible club aspire to be?
Why for the love of all that is holy must we ALL like the same crap? and why is it such an ego blow to some that one MAY not like what they like? That drives me bat-crap crazy
Wow.
I love your blog and your honesty and your sarcasm and your witty, clever sense of humor. . . I think I might stalk you now. :)
I get sick of "my- life- and- my- baby- are- perfect- and- I- just- love- my- perfect- baby- and- life- so- much" blogs. I want to know who else is experiencing the other side of being a mom. The realistic-not-so-perfect side.
And as for drinking. . .hell ya! I went out last night, like really out for the first time in over five months and I had (you better sit down for this) three beers over the course of six hours and then three hours after that, I breastfed!! Big whoop right? DH made me feel soooo guilty. Not fair. I miss drinking. I miss getting buzzed. I miss getting drunk. What's so wrong with that?
What the hell is Yuengling? Never heard of the stuff before now.
i love you guys. thanks for kindly stalking me.
your hubbs can go to hell. or start producing milk inside of his hairy tits and spend every fucking minute of his day breastfeeding. because, let's be honest, just because that baby isn't sucking you doesn't mean that you are not still thinking BREASTMILKBREASTMILKBREASTMILKBREASTMILK. our greatest gift/curse. good for you for drinking.
and yuengling is a shitty beer from pennsylvania that a lot of people think is good. but it's not.
Marry me.
I never fit in either. As evidenced by the time I called someone's 5 year old "racist."
That's why I had kids. They have to like me. At least until they're teenagers. Then I will stop doing their laundry and "let them have dreads." Then they will still have to like me because no one will like them.
They don't like you because You're cybercool and they're cybernerds. That's how it works.
It's pretty tough to be so amazing all the time. And I'm sure Jenny still loves you. She's just been busy as fuck with that weird mom-convention she's been blogging about.
And if she doesn't love you, that's fine. Because we love you more than enough for her.
heh. i was homeschooled through highschool, so i know all about not fitting in.
but i love you! do you need other people's love too?
and that's bogus that you didn't win that dance vid competition.
I was the girl behind the jock in high school. I dated a football player all throughout high school so I was kind of in his shadow all the time. When people would hear my name, they had no clue who I was but then they'd say, "You know who she is...JT's girlfriend" and then the person would go "Oh, yeah, okay I know her".
Now, I'm that mother who admits to yelling at her kids, laughing when they say a curse word and telling them to "just walk it off" when they get hurt.
Think of it this way...those other people in the cyber world are just intimidated by your humor, sarcasm and ability to be real.
i was the drunk dance team captain who loved youth & government & musical (except my senior year because i hated the director) and apssed out in church IN THE CHOIR LOFT in high school. not sure how that relates, but everyone was saying, so i did, too. i'm such a follower!
fuck whatever anyone else likes. do what you want. drink the good beer. now that i can afford more than natural light, i do.
amen sister. i Like you just fine. and sometimes i feel that way too. the mommy groups here are cliquey, so we started our own. you'd like it. its very open and rock and rollish. hahah
I read blogs looking for my niche, but no luck. I am not the warm and fuzzy "playdate' mom. I am not super organized. I am not super Christian mom. I am not a missionary. I don't live anywhere exotic. I popped out a bunch of kids and I have some quirks. But I am not so eccentric to be attracting flogs of readers. I am just here doing my thing.
But I like you. I totally want to sit at your lunch table.
In high school I was a drama geek. I didn't really fit in with them either because I didn't dress like ANYONE else I knew. Ever. My freshman year I channeled Duran Duran and Adam Ant. My senior year was my Summer of Love (w/o the love) and I channeled my *Mom's* senior year, 1967.
I don't fit in now either. I'm not cutesy enough, my photos aren't good enough. I have adopted children but they are all older (11,13,16) so they don't count on all those adoption blogs. I'm not fashionable enough (or at all), I'm not witty enough.... the list goes on.
So... I don't know what to tell you, but I like what I've read on your blog :) You make me laugh!
I don't "get" you completely, but I enjoy reading your blog. :0) You're spunky, witty, real, and a bit scary at times. But it's fun.
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