Words I write down and hit 'Publish Post' when I'm on the rag.

First, my kids are very funny. And I love them.

Second. The rage is growing.

I want to bite the heads off of tiny puppies and spit the eyeballs into an unknowing member of PETA's vegan-organic-locally grown martini.

TIP #1: If you custom order something-- say an adorable ?HAT?-- from an ?artist?-- don't be a Picky-Nicky. Remember the Domino's pizza scandal? Where the pizza dude was blowing boogers in the deep dish? That was a custom pie for a Picky-Nicky-- I'll bet my malnourished-empty-tube-sock-of-a-left-breast that it was. Artists love the money. It's something that they rarely, if ever, have of their own. They, however, do not like Picky-Nickys.

CONFESSION: Brandon and I have started shooting heroin after the babies go to bed. That is why only post once a month now. I barely have the motivation to bite off puppy heads, much less think of something clever to say about myself that millions of readers my mother will want to read be embarrassed by. Heroin makes me hungry. Puppy heads swell in my belly just like pasta. Ergo, heroin makes me sleepy. Sorry, Mom.

I am famous. Internet famous. Kind of. Without taking my clothes off. After I take my clothes off on the internet I will be even more famous. In a National-Geographic-kind-of-way. Yes American Housewives have boobs just like African-Hunter-Gatherer-Tentwives. They just don't flaunt it all over public television.

FAMOUS #1: Jenny loves me. For those of you that probably custom order shit and then make a lot of stupid requests, I am about to change your life (by introducing you to the funniest person alive). For most of you, however, HELL YES, JENNY LOVES ME!! NOT ONLY was I a featured question on Ask The Bloggess (which, btw, don't even bother linking up if you are easily offended by anything that I say about diapers), NOT ONLY did I apparently offend some of Jenny's readers, BUT JENNY LOVES ME!!

PROOF:

FAMOUS #2: Just in case you didn't see who else can't get enough of me on twitter (because of magical stars and shitty hearts-- thanks, art school, for nothing), that would be @girlsgonechild. Yes, Rebecca Woolf is my new best friend. We do just regular old BF-shit together . . . like for the holidays (just for example) she taught me how to create smokey, purple "Holiday Eyes" and I made hats for all of her favorite wee ones. Sweet Rebecca Woolf could teach a certain Picky-Nicky out there a thing or two about custom ordering . . .

PROOF:

FAMOUS #3: Front page of ETSY, bitches.

PROOF:

**That doll arm pendant reminds me, I'm adding some new gadgets to the sidebar. Long gone are the months of the Awesome Walmart Baby Calendar and Asian dudes dancing to your-favorite-gay-club-mix-tape. They are replaced by more dancing (except also replace the Asian dude with dirty hippies) and my favorite art (except not my art . . . or Walmart Babies). You're welcome.**

Well, Brandon and I just tied off, so I've got to go hunt down some puppies before I get too sleepy.

I'll leave you with a quote from Oprah that I feel is relevant to this post:

"I don't think there's anything better you can do in this world than bring light wherever you go."