i vow not to eat a piece of cake until i lose twenty pounds. i'm serious. then i will probably eat an entire german chocolate cake to the face.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm much fatter than I look.

My pre-natal appointment wanted me to lose ten pounds BEFORE I got pregnant. WTF? "You would lose all ten pounds if you'd stop drinking so much beer": words from my silly doctor. (sidenote: That reminds me of a friend that took a pregnancy test in the middle of a living room Grind with Eric Nies. Two pink lines and she turned off the video and went straight to the cookie jar.)

Almost a year later and I'm still wearing ten of seventy preggo pounds that weren't related to fluid. That ALSO is not a lie. Okay, maybe a little lie. My kids were almost eleven pounds together. BUT THE REST WAS FLUID. My thirty-fifth week of gestation wore a label reading "HELLO, my name is Preeclampsia." (I am also still wearing netted hospital panties.)

I ALMOST DIED. I just realized that I don't say that nearly enough.

Yeh, so I'm ten pounds fatter than the ten that I was supposed to shed before pregnancy.

New Year's Resolutions, people:

(in no particular order)

1. Unfat myself . . . you do the math.
2. Find a cure for depression . . . my husband's, that is.
3. Be on the Ellen Show . . . not as an audience member, as a GUEST.
   
4. Take down the Christmas Tree.
   
5. Say "I ALMOST DIED" . . . at least once a day.

I know what you're thinking: why don't her resolutions include her children???

BECAUSE I AM ALREADY A RIDICULOUSLY KICK-ASS MAMA.

That's right.