tangled up in blue.

I lied.

Remember when I said that this print was my favorite Christmas present? Nothing against my dear, sad, most beautiful Leonore, I simply hadn't experienced all of my presents yet ( and NO, I didn't get any sex toys for Christmas-- get your heads out of the gutter-- what's that? that was my head's fault? thousand pardons . . .).

Brandon and I went out and got drunk a couple of months ago. A dear, sympathizing, married-with-child-couple had extra tickets to an art auction downtown. No, not downtown Gastonia, where they have proceeded to hang gold-plated posts that proclaim "G-TOWN"!! As if this will dress up the image of a dying mill town that sells racing fuel at the Quik-n-Smoke down past the diamond encrusted welcome sign reading "Dirteh Sowf". I'm talking about downtown Charlotte. A heavenly mecca for douche-bag bankers and the sluts that hunt them. Put on yer thigh-high boots tonight, girls, we're gonna bag a broker! The downtown (better known as uptown) that I lived in before moving to, um, G-town. Anyhow, ART AUCTION=FREE ALCOHOL=DRUNK MAMA=MOMENT OF GENIUS. While entering the bathroom, I yell back to Brandon that he is going to get me a particular present for Christmas. I have no idea where this thought came from, but I'm so glad that it arrived. You're going to get all of the pictures off of the old computer! THE OLD COMPUTER=CRASHED FOUR YEARS AGO=NOT A SIGN OF LIFE=NOT A CHANCE FOR PICTURES OF ME WHEN I WAS NINETEEN YEARS OLD FROM THE FIRST DIGITAL CAMERA EVER MADE TO BECOME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Unless you are my crafty husband (and probably a hundred million other techies out there).

There was a silver disc in the tree. No text. Brandon told me what was on it.

Last night I finally got a chance to sit with that disc. My heart. Oh, my aching heart. It's so easy to become someone else. It's inevitable. The challenge is holding on to a thread of the person you were. Easy enough, until you change again, and again, and eventually you are eight times removed from that person that is in front of you, captured in pixels, thought to be lost forever, standing beside of the person that you miss the most. The broken heart within you breaks all over again. You've never seen this picture. The two of you sitting on barstools, legs entangled, eyes wide. Laughing. Irreplaceable. People can change, but they never lose a moment shared. People can die but that doesn't mean that they go away. Sometimes they are just a whisper in the back of your thoughts. Last night she was howling. Laughter ringing in my ears. It felt so good. It was absolutely miserable. It was her. Within me. Howling. Raging. Singing loudly and off-key. Knowing every word.

Lydia knew every single word to Tangled up in Blue. Nearly six-hundred crooning words. I remember dancing barefoot in a crowded pit of mud one summer to some random band. They started playing Tangled up in Blue. She kicked her feet up, swinging elbows from side to side, screaming every word at the top of her lungs, every word in the same spectacular key. I noticed a girl in front of us doing the same and ran to her: OH MY GOD!! MY FRIEND KNOWS EVERY WORD TOO!! and shoved them together while they sang and danced circles around each other. The pride swelled within me. I had found the one other person in the world who knew every single flipping word to that song.


Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',
I was layin' in bed
Wond'rin' if she'd changed at all
If her hair was still red.
Her folks they said our lives together
Sure was gonna be rough
They never did like Mama's homemade dress
Papa's bankbook wasn't big enough.
And I was standin' on the side of the road
Rain fallin' on my shoes
Heading out for the East Coast
Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,
Tangled up in blue.

She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess,
But I used a little too much force.
We drove that car as far as we could
Abandoned it out West
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was walkin' away
I heard her say over my shoulder,
"We'll meet again someday on the avenue,"
Tangled up in blue.

I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to New Orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Workin' for a while on a fishin' boat
Right outside of Delacroix.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.

She was workin' in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer,
I just kept lookin' at the side of her face
In the spotlight so clear.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, "Don't I know your name?"
I muttered somethin' underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never say hello," she said
"You look like the silent type."
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin' coal
Pourin' off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.

I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs,
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air.
Then he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of him died.
She had to sell everything she owned
And froze up inside.
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.

So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenter's wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.
But me, I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.