Walmart wouldn't print my Holiday Greeting Card.
That's right you judgmental assholes, I went to Walmart.
YOU SHOULD KNOW that I worked incredibly hard on this year's greeting card.
I was jealous when Ellen was on the cover of O Magazine. WTF, Gayle? Why am I not on the the cover? Why am I not wrapped in lights and laughing it up and looking skinny beside of Oprah in her hideous red packaging??
Why is Heather Armstrong such a big deal? Of course, I don't really mean thatGod Heather, I get it. Dooce.com is reality blogovision at it's best because she reigns supreme over all mommy bloggers. But why can't I be standing next to her? Wrapping her in lights while slimming her **already back to "prepregnant weight" body** in my enormous, unflattering, who the hell is my wardrobe designer?? red packaging . . . I could do that for you, Heather.
When it comes to Holiday Cards that will make the cut: CLEAR YOUR FRIDGES, BITCHES, because I will make you remember the true reason for the season: W-I-N-N-I-N-G.
Until I hand my ticket over to the open mouth at the photo counter.
Walmart: "Aye gurl. I gots to tell you sumpin. I can't give you these 'ere pitchers. They's illegal."
???Pardon? Illegal? It's not like I'm trying to send Greetings from the Martin-Malone Brown-eyes . . .???
Me: "There must be a mistake . . ."
Walmart: "Ugggggggggh. Uh-uh. Aye, I's gets fared, this whole pitcher shebang'ud get showt down n you'd go to hell n a hand-basket if'n I'd gibbim to ye."
Me: ?
Walmart: "They's copyrighted material. Perfectional pitchers."
Me: "No, no. I made those photos. Yeah, I downloaded the orginal image but then I used Photoshop to alter the card--?"
Walmart: "--Uh-uh. Can't do it. Can't gibbem to ye. They's illegal. I's gets fired, this whole pitcher sheband'ud get--"
Me: "--OKAY! Fine, just sell me the four 5x7s that weren't greeting cards."
waving the 5x7s in my face.
Walmart: "Theesuns? Look ladyma'm, I dun tolds ye, I can't gibbem to ye."
Me: "BUT THEY ARE MY PHOTOS. OF MYSELF. THAT I TOOK."
Walmart: "Uh-uh. They's perfectional. You gotsta hab ye a copyright furm says theys let you print this'er pitcher."
Me: "Don't you understand? I am the photographer of that photograph. Do you want me to sign a copyright form stating that I will allow myself to purchase a print of my own material? Is that what you need me to do?"
Walmart: ?
Me: "Give me the goddamn form."
I sign the form. The back side, where I release the rights of use. Then I flip the form over and sign the front. The front, where I accept the terms of the original owner of the copyrighted material-- the person who had released this material to me-- the photographer that had previously signed the back.
Then I took my 5x7s and vomited in the mouth of Walmart.
If you are expecting a Holiday Greeting from me . . . keep expecting.
Until I can slip under the radar and print my own illegal creations, you will have a hungry refrigerator.
The reality, however, is this: Only 2% of you will even receive this card in the mail, so 'ere ye goes:
That's right you judgmental assholes, I went to Walmart.
YOU SHOULD KNOW that I worked incredibly hard on this year's greeting card.
About me: Hi, my name is Joy.
I like sewing, talking, drinking,
looking in the mirror and being
better than other people.
I like sewing, talking, drinking,
looking in the mirror and being
better than other people.
I was jealous when Ellen was on the cover of O Magazine. WTF, Gayle? Why am I not on the the cover? Why am I not wrapped in lights and laughing it up and looking skinny beside of Oprah in her hideous red packaging??
Why is Heather Armstrong such a big deal? Of course, I don't really mean that
When it comes to Holiday Cards that will make the cut: CLEAR YOUR FRIDGES, BITCHES, because I will make you remember the true reason for the season: W-I-N-N-I-N-G.
Until I hand my ticket over to the open mouth at the photo counter.
Walmart: "Aye gurl. I gots to tell you sumpin. I can't give you these 'ere pitchers. They's illegal."
???Pardon? Illegal? It's not like I'm trying to send Greetings from the Martin-Malone Brown-eyes . . .???
Me: "There must be a mistake . . ."
Walmart: "Ugggggggggh. Uh-uh. Aye, I's gets fared, this whole pitcher shebang'ud get showt down n you'd go to hell n a hand-basket if'n I'd gibbim to ye."
Me: ?
Walmart: "They's copyrighted material. Perfectional pitchers."
Me: "No, no. I made those photos. Yeah, I downloaded the orginal image but then I used Photoshop to alter the card--?"
Walmart: "--Uh-uh. Can't do it. Can't gibbem to ye. They's illegal. I's gets fired, this whole pitcher sheband'ud get--"
Me: "--OKAY! Fine, just sell me the four 5x7s that weren't greeting cards."
waving the 5x7s in my face.
Walmart: "Theesuns? Look ladyma'm, I dun tolds ye, I can't gibbem to ye."
Me: "BUT THEY ARE MY PHOTOS. OF MYSELF. THAT I TOOK."
Walmart: "Uh-uh. They's perfectional. You gotsta hab ye a copyright furm says theys let you print this'er pitcher."
Me: "Don't you understand? I am the photographer of that photograph. Do you want me to sign a copyright form stating that I will allow myself to purchase a print of my own material? Is that what you need me to do?"
Walmart: ?
Me: "Give me the goddamn form."
I sign the form. The back side, where I release the rights of use. Then I flip the form over and sign the front. The front, where I accept the terms of the original owner of the copyrighted material-- the person who had released this material to me-- the photographer that had previously signed the back.
Then I took my 5x7s and vomited in the mouth of Walmart.
If you are expecting a Holiday Greeting from me . . . keep expecting.
Until I can slip under the radar and print my own illegal creations, you will have a hungry refrigerator.
The reality, however, is this: Only 2% of you will even receive this card in the mail, so 'ere ye goes:
Happy Holidays . . .
From our home to yours.
Love,
Joy, Brandon, Lydia Jane, Zadie (zuzu) Blue,
and L-D-O-double-G
From our home to yours.
Love,
Joy, Brandon, Lydia Jane, Zadie (zuzu) Blue,
and L-D-O-double-G
3 comments:
Walmart.com, that's where I have all my illegal pictures printed. Puke on Walmart.
ah, walmart. everytime i go there (OFTEN) i tell myself "i will never come here again." days later...you get the picture.
ps. i LOVE the walmart voice.
Oh my dear god and lol. I love this freakin blog.
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