shame on a mommyblogger who tries to run game on a mommyblogger. keyword: shame.

You know how you think of ideas in your head? And before you can complete the idea you forget what it was? No? Oh.

Okay, you know how you get a idea in your head and you're all "this would make a great post and I haven't posted anything all week and my devoted readers are probably reading some other mommy blog that is nicer and isn't consumed with guilt and self-loathing and they're going to realize that I'm really just bringing them down and that's why they come here everyday to read my blog because they kind of like the feeling that they get from my misery and then they're all, 'I'm sick. I need help' so they go to counseling." Um, you're welcome. And I've been getting those ideas all week but Zadie flails and gnashes her three teeth every time that I stop walking. Oh yes-- not put her down-- but STOP WALKING. Have I mentioned that I have another infant in my care? I keep telling Zadie but she shrieks and pulls at the half an inch of red fuzz on the back of her head. Selfish like her mama.

Before I can write anything else I have to get this out . . . I am an idiot. Beyond idiot. Let's get out the thesaurus for this one: I am a nincompoop. A muttonhead. An utter imbecile. I am an ass.

A most hilarious twin-mom had a dream of starting a blog with another most hilarious twin-mom and-- wait for it-- me. Because I must be most hilarious as well, right?? Um, wrong. I am most boneheaded. Moronic. Nonsensical. The three of us funny ladies were gabbing about ideas for the blog and I had a lot of foul, distasteful contributions-- no surprise-- and thought that they should be forewarned just in case they didn't want vulgarity on board. Primarily vulgarity regarding religion.

How do I say this????

Okay, I was trying to tell them that I make a great deal of fun on behalf of Christianity because it is in the air I breath and water I drink and NO I DO NOT DISLIKE YOU IF YOU ARE A RELIGIOUS OR SPIRITUAL PERSON IT IS YOUR LIFE AND I RESPECT THAT so don't get in a tizzy-- but I didn't want to use the word anti-christian. It just didn't seem like the appropriate word to use . . . but then a word popped into my head. And people, I desperately want have a good reason for my brain pulling this word-- like Lloyd Christmas wants to make love to a schoolboy-- but the shame OH THE SHAME is so great and nothing is great enough to excuse a blunder such as this. My twin-mom brain? The mastitis that is eating my breast from the inside out? The years of smoking pot that has reduced my brain to four dwindling cells? No excuse will justify my preposterous, mindless, ridiculous, unreasonable, foolishness.

I thought of a word. A polite word that says "I make Christian jokes because I live inside of the buckle of the bible-belt." That says, in all modesty, "I don't want to offend you or the future readers of this blog-- after all, your names are on it, too." A very easy and nonthreatening word that allows me to get a subtle point across without making a splash. Well, here, I'll just copy and paste the message I wrote:

". . . if we are to collaborate you will find that most all of my ideas are antisemitic . . ."

Did you see that word? Antisemitic? Did you catch that?

ANTIEFFINGSEMITIC?????

Holy shit, I wrote that word in a message. That word pertained to ME in the message. That word popped into my head, seemed like the appropriate word to describe myself, I wrote it in a message describing myself, and I sent it to two women that want to write a blog with me.

One of the women-- the one that happens not to be Jewish-- replied that hating Christians was fair game but not Jews . . . AND NO, I DON'T HATE CHRISTIANS. I LOVE CHRISTIANS. I LOVE JEWS!! I LOVE!!!!!!! . . . Jews? Hmmmm . . . hast thou inner-dictionary forsaken thee? What does this have to do with Jews? Dictionary.com . . . .

Anti-Semite –noun.
a person who discriminates against
or is prejudiced or hostile toward Jews.

That's how I described myself. I told these fellow twin-moms that were interested in collaborating with me that I. was. a. Nazi.

After responding that I am stupid and please believe me-- I AM NOT A HITLER LOVING RACIST-- I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!-- what is written is written and they have an image of me: the southern mom of the blog, sitting around and reading Mien Kampf and doodling swastikas on my forearm. THAT IS NOT ME!!!!! THAT IS NOT ME!!!!

The tragedy of this is that I was raised in a town where racism flowed as freely as strawberry wine-- no wait-- I lived in a dry town-- anyway, you get the point. I was a racist child. Not knowingly-- I actually knew no other way. I had plenty of black friends in school and thought nothing of it. I'm sure that I never gave a second thought to racism at the time, but when I became an adult-- and left Hicksville-- I saw how blatantly racist I actually was. That I viewed myself different because of the color of my white skin. And that, no, all people are NOT that way. I was beyond ashamed. I am still beyond ashamed. Even though I am nothing like that person. My children will be raised to celebrate diversity and embrace cultural differences. We will never teach them that they are different-- OR BETTER-- than anyone else (except racist Nazis-- they can go to hell).

My adult life has been spent peeling away layers of guilt and shame.

Only to proclaim myself antisemitic.

Shit.