WARNING:
I started my period. This was not supposed to happen. I am breastfeeding and pumping-- and was planning to do so until menopause. Despite the medical promises and scientific poppy-cock, my uterus is shedding it's year-and-a-half-long winter coat. Therefore, dear virgin-brained reader, I am unfiltering today's post. I am saying whatever the fuh-- fuhhhh-- ffffuuuhh---JEEPERS, MOM!!---Whatever the hell I want. And if you have a remotely small dwindling thread of hope for my own self-respect-- read no further. I am not my mother's daughter. Or my grandmother's granddaughter. I am apparently the descendant of self-loathing, garbage-tongued trash and I am bleeding from my vagina.
Me: Do you think it would be bad to post about poop?
B: What are you talking about?
Me: You know, about my poop? Do you think it's too much?
B: Are you talking about that poop you did last night?
Me: Yeah, and my hemorrhoids, do you think it's okay?
B: I don't think that people are interested in reading about your poop or your hemorrhoids.
Me: But I like reading about those things.
B: I'm just saying, I wouldn't want to read about your poop. Is there someone that you can ask about this kind of thing?
Me: I am asking.
B: Someone else?
Me: It's my day to write whatever the hell I want. My vagina is bleeding and unless you want me to get pregnant to stop it, you'll agree with me.
B: I agree with everything.
Me: So it wouldn't be bad to talk about how big that turd was?
B: No, it would be great.
Me: I know. I think people will laugh when I talk about gay size queens.
B: What's a size queen?
Me: Someone that likes really big penises.
B: So, you want to write about gay men that like big penises?
Me: Yeah, and how I bet they really like it when they have a big turd like I did last night.
B: So you've got something for everyone, huh?
Me: What do they do if they have hemorrhoids like mine?
B: I don't care.
Me: PREGNANT!!
B: I DON'T KNOW!
Me: Do you think they could trade positions? The whole pitcher/catcher thing? I bet they all like pitching, but don't all want to catch. Especially if they have hemorrhoids. Right?
B: Yes.
Me: Yes, what?
B: Yes, you're right.
Me: Do you think I'll lose any readers?
B: I don't know. They probably just don't want to read about these things.
Me: I think they'll like it.
B: You're right. They will.
4 comments:
LMAO! Sorry you started. I was beyond pissed off when mine came back and was still breastfeeding. I am still breastfeeding and still getting my damn cycle. NOT FAIR!!
Stopping by from SITS and gonna follow you now.
Well I, for one, like reading about all those things.
And am usually too scared to go there myself, so live vicariously through your ability to not just GO there, but really plow the hell out of there.
But if you keep going there, it's going to rub off on me and I'm going to have to follow suit. Nobody wants that. I just had a colonoscopy, and I promise, nobody wants that.
You know /I/ like to read it... because I'm in the same boat. Except the bleeding boat. You can keep that boat to yourself.
No - poop is always funny. And I once wrote about my dog's hemorrhoids if it makes you feel any better. Didn't lose any readers - I think I may have even gained a reader or two.
:)
Also, sorry about your period - pumping did its job for me, THANK GOD! Everyone's happier when I'm not dealing with that...
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